Monday, February 22, 2016

Descending Into Hell

 March 2015, I attempted suicide, by overdosing on pills. As I lay in my bed, dark thoughts were entering my mind. Thoughts such as : You are worthless, You are nothing but a burden, No one would miss you, No one loves you, The world would be better off without you. I started crying, and praying. Asking God to forgive me for what I was about to do, and asking Him to watch over my loved ones, and to help them understand why I did it. I thanked the Lord for all the things He had always done for me, and told Him I was very sorry, for being a disappointing daughter. Then, I swallowed all of the pills, asked the Lord to please take this burden from me, and closed my eyes. The next thing I remember, I woke up, very sick. I reached for a bucket beside my bed, and started throwing up, repeatedly. I threw up so many times, I felt like there could not possibly be anything left inside of me. I could feel myself fading away, I knew I was dying. This was real!!I managed to get myself into the living room, and found my phone. I dialed 911, told the guy that answered, what I had done, he stayed on the phone with me, until the ambulance got here .I barely remember the ambulance getting here. Next thing I remember, is opening my eyes, looking around, realizing that I was in a hospital room. I had a night shirt, and a pair of pants on. I had no socks, or shoes, with me. I had thrown up all over my shirt, and was holding on tightly, to a bucket. They would not allow me to leave the room to use the bathroom, they were afraid I would either try to escape, or hurt myself. A preacher came and talked to me, asking several questions. After praying for me, he told me that I would not be going home, that I had to go to a rehab. Of course, I was very upset, started crying. I wanted to go home, but my husband made me realize, that rehab was truly the best place for me at that time. My husband finally had to leave, because he had to be at work, early the next morning. A couple of hours later, I finally quit throwing up, my stomach settled down. It was about 5:30 in the morning, when I fell asleep. About thirty minutes later, someone woke me up, by shaking my arm. I opened my eyes, and to my great shock, and surprise, there stood beside my bed, saying over, and over again, wake up Mrs. Oldham, a deputy from the sheriffs department. I said, can I help you? He said, I am here to take you to Valley Hospital, which was the rehab I would be going to. He told me that I needed to get my socks, and shoes on, that it was time for me to go. I told him that I did not have any socks, or shoes with me. The nurse brought me a pair of socks, and put them on me. They helped me off the bed, and the deputy began to walk me down the hallway, and out the front door. I looked aweful. No shoes, only socks, throw up all over my Winnie the pooh night shirt, and dirty green pants. It was early morning, in March, so it was cold. I did not have a jacket, or sweater. There was a sheriff's van, sitting in front of the hospital. There was another deputy, sitting in the passenger side of the van. As I approached the van, he opened the door, and came up beside me. He told me to put my hands behind my back, I did. He handcuffed me, then both deputies had to help me get in the van. At this point, I was feeling, hopeless, alone, and humiliated beyond belief. He started the van, and we pulled out of the hospital parking lot, and onto the road. The road leading to another chapter, in this long nightmare!! To be continued................................... 

18 comments:

Grantham Lynn said...

Goodness. What words can I say. I'm just glad that God was with you then and now.
Don't forget that. And remember you have a lot of people who love you and care about you.
Thanks for being faithful and coming over every week to see me.

Paula Kaye said...

Denise..this is powerful! My father committed suicide when I was 7. It is something a family member never recovers from!!

MaryFran said...

Wow.....I'm sooooooo glad that you are here with us today to talk to us!!!!!

Terra Hangen said...

Oh Denise, what a dangerous time for you; your blog family is so glad you are still here.

Lisa in Texas = ) said...

I hope that are you share this story that you are able to see the hand of God every step of the way and that it will lead to the healing of your soul. Love you sweet lady, Lisa ;O)

Sharon said...

Oh Denise, I remember this awful time in your life. However, reading the details I realize even more how horrible it really was. I'm so glad that God saved you that day. He has great purposes for you. And one of them is to tell the tremendous testimony you have as to how He holds His loved ones through the toughest days...

GOD BLESS, friend.

Christine said...

Dear Denise, please know that you are loved! God bless you!

Joyful said...

What can ne said, dear heart? Except that God really does love you so much. So many in blogland too who love and pray for you. Many of your family love you. I pray you would feel the love. Hugs xx

KB said...

I'm so glad you are still with us. I know what it is like to think there is no other way but thankfully, I have never taken it further than thinking about it. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Small Kucing said...

I know. Many thinks swallow pills then will just doze off like in the movies. The movies lies. Ones end up throwing up horribly and if not treated in time, there will be liver and kidney damaged. Death will come very slowly and painfully in terms of weeks and month. But when darkness decend, it's hard to think straight.

It's terrible what they did with handcuff. It would have been better just to transport to rehab using ambulance instead.

Hope slowly you can put the horrible experience behind.

jandi said...

i am so glad you survived to tell your story! have a beautiful day!

HOOTIN ANNI said...

I read the comments, and couldn't put many words down for a fleeting moment. One said, 'the family never recovers'. At this point tho, I think it's ALL ABOUT YOU!! Yes, there is family involved, but thing is...YOU need to recover fully. And it will take much will and faith to do this within yourself...YOU first and family 2nd. I'm glad you called 911 dear friend.

Bob Bushell said...

You were lucky, many more would die. It is the loss of yourself in time. Many friends of mine, have been in a suicide, it is terrible.

Jeanette Levellie said...

You are very brave to share this, but hopefully it will save others who might be thinking of this "easy" way out. May the Lord give you a thousand-fold in return for all the devil has stolen from you, dear.

And we love you.

Marian said...

Eso es del pasado Denise.Dios te Ama y te ayudo...Te dio la vida porque
la vida es Suya, no nuestra,no nos pertenece. Por eso no podemos atentar contra ella. Haces mucha falta a tu familia y todos los que te rodean.
Un abrazo. Cuídate !!
Dios te bendiga. !!!

LeAnn said...

I am so happy that you were OK. This is a very sad story and I did not like how you were treated. You should have been showered with love and help in a better and more kindly way.
To put you in handcuffs was the worst ever. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this to get some help.
You are a blessed soul, and your love for God is so beautiful. What a blessings you are to all of us who read your words.
Blessings, extra love and hugs for you today!

Saleslady371 said...

Praise God that the enemy did not win because God rescued you, His beautiful child. Thank you for sharing your emotional story. I never knew the details; I knew your days were dark and hope seemed distant and prayed faithfully and I can see God answered my prayers, Neecey. I love you and thank you for telling about it. I believe you will help many. Love and hugs to you.

RCraig418 said...

Oh how I praise God that you are here today to tell this story! You are so loved by so many people! You are a true blessing my sweet friend! <3 Love and Blessings to You!