Saturday, July 25, 2015

Love, and all that it means

I love my husband Eddie, with every bit of my heart, now, and always. We have been together for thirty years, have had our share of ups, and downs. The vows say, for better, or worse, not better, or best!! But, this journey I am on with my life right now, is taking many turns, and twists. I am having to dig deep with my counselor, and I am beginning to strip away layers, that have been weighing me down, and causing much pain for a very long time now. I know that Eddie loves me, but his words, and actions, can cut really deep. Example, for a very long time now, I have been battling with my weight. At my heaviest weight, I weighed, 258, After my mom passed away in 2006, I started losing weight, got under 200. Then, when I had my stroke in 2011, I actually became anorexic, at one point, I weighed 105.  I gained back up to 155, until I had my heart attack, and triple bypass in November 2014.  I started losing weight again. I now bounce back and forth, between 117-120. Of course, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as huge. I am working on this in counseling also. Eddie has really not been trying to help me with this at all . He constantly tells me that I do not look good at this size, he says I look sick. He has really been pressuring me to gain weight, wanted me to weigh between 150-155. Even though, that is not what I wanted to weigh. Well, now that he had the monitor put in his heart for three years, guess what?? Last night, he informed me, that I am not to ever weigh over 125. I asked him what had changed his mind? He said, if you were to fall, and you were over 125, I could not pick you up!! I am not mad at him, but he hurt me. He never considers my feelings,  My counselor, keeps telling me, that I have got to quit being a floor mat for people to walk over.  This is something very hard to learn, have done it all my life. Unfortunately, Eddie knows that, and always keeps his walking shoes close by. Bless you all for listening, love you all.

13 comments:

cynia said...

You look great now :)

CelestinaMarie@SouthernDayDreams said...

Prayers for you Denise that you stay at the weight most healthy for you. God Bless!!
Hugs for a nice weekend. cm

The Queen of Brussels Sprouts said...

I'm sure your counselor told you this....men think in a very linear fashion. He had been given weight restrictions because of his health....you have a fall risk because of yours....he is your primary source of help...therefore he doesn't want you to weigh more than he should lift. It isn't emotions, it is male logic. That will never change.

White Lace and Promises said...

Denise, you are beautiful! You are! I have been in counseling all my life and I know what's it's like to peel those layers away. It's hard enough without the negativity. You take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get there.
Love you. Shoot me an email when you need a special prayer.

Peggy said...

Denise, I love how you look and using that precious photo of you for a header of "Just Me Being Me" is perfect! Ever so loveable!

So sorry at how the enemy digs at you about your weight or looks from loved ones. Just not right. You know the truth so don't listen even when it hurts. I don't remember your height but I think around 120-125 is just right and if you get up to 150-155 like me than we both need to loose and watch our weight (cuz that's the high end of our scale limit)(lol) ... I've basically maintained 150-155 and know I should be down around 120 and I'm 5 foot 2. And did you notice that contradiction in his words, first he wants the upper weight and now nothing over 125. Well, you do the best you can and maybe with medical supervision of a good diet to keep you at the right weight. But love is not based on your weight.

Once again, I agree with your counselor just wish your other half could see and understand plus those "vows" we make ... Please don't listen or see your self in the mirror as huge ... all lies and I'll have to come over and crack that record/mirror. Someone better kick his walking all over shoes to the pit or garbage. Praying this ends. Ya' gotta unlearn those old records and break their rewind track and tell yourself some power thoughts of praise of who God has made you to be and saved you to live victoriously in Him. Not as a floor mat or door mat or overweight champ ... just a saint of Jesus living, loving and laughing on to victory. Power and strength are yours in Jesus Christ. You are an overcomer - a champion in Christ - not a victim but a Victor; not a doormat but a diamond (in the rough being polished); not a floor mat but a Fabulous Flyer soaring to new heights with Jesus. Guard your heart and mind.

I love you Denise so much just like this sweet photo ... that's how I see you. {sorry the ones you sent me were too big to see on my screen but this is a wonderful choice} You take care! Blessings and prayers ~ Peggy

Laurie Collett said...

You are beautiful, Denise, inside and out. Praying for you. Love and hugs.
laurie

Grantham Lynn said...

Hugs to you. Thank you for taking in words of wisdom. Stand up and be strong.
XXOO.

Linda said...

Love you, Denise.

Jeanette Levellie said...

Love means speaking the truth in love.

MY LITTLE ✂ COTTAGE said...

Prayers on your way, stand up and be strong...loves from me

Karen said...

Your header photo is proof enough of the beautiful sister you are...but add in your heart words and concerns for others...and that equals a radiance that far outshines our Father's angels...you are adorned inside and out with grace...and by grace...and hurtful words can never change that...love you!

Suzy Mae said...

Praying that you find strength during this difficult time. When those closest to us hurt us it cuts the deepest. xx

Christa said...

God Bless you, always, with your struggles and with your victories. You are a beautiful person whose sharing has touched so many lives. Prayers sent your way