Saturday, July 25, 2015
Love, and all that it means
I love my husband Eddie, with every bit of my heart, now, and always. We have been together for thirty years, have had our share of ups, and downs. The vows say, for better, or worse, not better, or best!! But, this journey I am on with my life right now, is taking many turns, and twists. I am having to dig deep with my counselor, and I am beginning to strip away layers, that have been weighing me down, and causing much pain for a very long time now. I know that Eddie loves me, but his words, and actions, can cut really deep. Example, for a very long time now, I have been battling with my weight. At my heaviest weight, I weighed, 258, After my mom passed away in 2006, I started losing weight, got under 200. Then, when I had my stroke in 2011, I actually became anorexic, at one point, I weighed 105. I gained back up to 155, until I had my heart attack, and triple bypass in November 2014. I started losing weight again. I now bounce back and forth, between 117-120. Of course, when I look in the mirror, I see myself as huge. I am working on this in counseling also. Eddie has really not been trying to help me with this at all . He constantly tells me that I do not look good at this size, he says I look sick. He has really been pressuring me to gain weight, wanted me to weigh between 150-155. Even though, that is not what I wanted to weigh. Well, now that he had the monitor put in his heart for three years, guess what?? Last night, he informed me, that I am not to ever weigh over 125. I asked him what had changed his mind? He said, if you were to fall, and you were over 125, I could not pick you up!! I am not mad at him, but he hurt me. He never considers my feelings, My counselor, keeps telling me, that I have got to quit being a floor mat for people to walk over. This is something very hard to learn, have done it all my life. Unfortunately, Eddie knows that, and always keeps his walking shoes close by. Bless you all for listening, love you all.