Friday, February 13, 2009

Letter To My 42 Year Old Self

Dear Me at 42 years old, It is Febuary 2006, the last several months have been very hard on you. Your Momma is living with you, and she is really sick. You have been doing your best to take care of her, taking her back and forth to different doctors, and there have been many trips to the hospital. I wish I could tell you that things are going to get better, but unfortunately, things are going to get much worse. In March, your Momma will go into the hospital once again, but it will be very different this time. The doctor will talk to you on March 20th, he will tell you that your Momma is dying. He will give you several options, you can leave her in the hospital in the hospice unit, put her in a nursing home, or take her back to your home, and hospice will help you. You will ask him how long your Momma has, he will tell you six months, maybe longer. Of course, you choose to take her home with you. This will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but you will cherish the moments, and the memories with your dear Momma. It will hurt so much to watch your Momma begin to fade away, and to suffer so much. You will show strength, that you never thought you had. You will cling to the hope of six months or longer, you will pray for much longer. But, on Friday, April 21st 2006, one month after your Momma comes home from the hospital, you will walk into her bedroom that morning, and she will have went home with Jesus. You will run screaming out of her bedroom, saying: No! No! Momma! Momma! When you quit screaming, you will return to her bedroom, crawl up in the bed beside her, pull her close to your heart, and cry like a little baby. You will tell her what a wonderful Momma and friend she was to you, and how very much you love her. You will rub her hair and her lovely face, until they pull you off of the bed, so they can take her away. The funeral will be a blur to you, you will walk around in a haze. Afterwards, your descent into hell begins, you fall into the deep black pit of depression. You will become a cutter, cutting yourself to relieve the pain. But, do not give up, Jesus meets you in the bathroom one night, as you sit on the bathroom floor, preparing to cut yourself once again, He stops you. He tells you how very much He loves you, and that He is hurting with you. He tells you that He has never left you, and never will. You leave the bathroom, a different woman. Jesus gives you the sweet peace that surpasses all understanding. You will survive, and go on to be happy once again. Momma is watching over you, and one day soon, there will be a beautiful reunion.

6 comments:

Gretchen said...

What a wonderful reunion, indeed.

Hi! I'm Grace said...

God bless your heart, Denise. I see that hard and difficult times that you had been, and I understand now how you became a strong woman of faith in the Lord. May many womean get inspiration from your story, specially me. I pray to God for long life for my mama, because I have many dreams for her that yet to fulfill. God is good in your life. God is good in my life. God is good all the time.

Denise said...

Life and it's journey...... We grow ..... no longer children, but adults.... Understanding comes with the age.... along with the heartache...... but HE was there yesterday and HE will be there tomorrow...........

FromThe Creek said...

I lost my mother unexpectedly when I was 19 and couldn't imagine going through what you did. You are truly an inspiration for all of us.
Christy

Heather said...

your strength amazes me more with each day.

luvmy4sons said...

Oh...if only we could see the end from the beginning and know that we would come through the darkness....touching letter to yourself. One day we will all be together with no more good byes and new imperishable bodies!