Thursday, February 12, 2009

Letter To My 36 Year Old Self

Dear Me at 36 years old, the year is 2000. In April, you will have to let go of your dream baby. You, and lovebug have been trying to have a baby for almost 16 years, and it has not happened. You have done everything you possibly could, from fertility pills, to numerous exploratory surgeries. But, you have poly cystic ovaries, fibroid tumors, pelvic inflammatory disease, pelvic adhesion's, and endometriosis. The Doctor has told you, if you do not have a total hysterectomy, you will get cancer. This is such a heartbreaking decision to make, but you must make it. There will not be any amount of anesthesia, that will take away the pain you will be feeling before the surgery, and especially after the surgery. You will feel as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest, you will feel completely empty. You will sing a goodbye lullaby to your precious dream baby. But, I promise, you will survive this. The ache of not being a mom will never go away, but it will get easier. You are not a failure, you are a good person. Love you, at 45

17 comments:

Gretchen said...

I know it's not the same, Denise,but I've said before how you mother others, and I really mean it. You mother in your care, your encouragement, and your steadfast love of lovebug and all who know you. I'm sorry you never had that baby that you so fervently wished for. But I am thankful in how you mother others by your lovely spirit each day.

Donetta said...

The mother of many. I too had 16 year wait. Gave up on it and then adoption was an option for us and we spent so much $30k+ to achieve our dreams. Yes it was worth it. It was hard and becoming a Mother had it's own price. It is a wonderful privileged. Then again with Dash at 20 years married.Dash had a date for the court hearing in Russia...It was the same day that the radical hysterectomy was scheduled. We had it done 6 weeks after we got Dash back in the US.
It is a great loss. Yet a great gain. The journey of menopause all at once is a very hard one. It takes many years to catch up to it. I know your road has been hard.
I too have become the MOTHER OF MANY.
Sis, it takes knowing these things to be able to offer the compassion to others. I am sorry for the wound of all of these things. If you want you can be a God Mother to Dove and Dash.
That is to support me on keeping them on the narrow. I would simply treasure knowing your prayers are for them. As I am sure they already are.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Denise,

I agree with Gretchen. You have a mothering spirit and you spread your love and care around the internet on a daily basis. You bless so many every day and your mothering spirit is appreciated by everyone who reads your blog!

Love,
Beth

Deanna said...

Reading this letter has grieved my heart- for I wish you didn't have to walk this road. (I grieve in the name of love, not anger- just wanted to mention that because I know God is in control and He is Sovereign, and I am no one to quetion the "why's" of the journey you've had to travel.)

Sweet Shortybear, As a Sister in Christ who is in support for you; I will trust the Lord knowing that you are right in the very spot of His safe and loving hands even back at the age of 36, the present, and for always.

You are so precious. More precious than I even know. AND oh so precious to our Heavenly Father- more than we both could even imagine together. You are a true treasure as well, you have been one of the sweetest encouragers over at my blog even while you read my current/past struggle with bouts of infertility.

Lots of Love & Hugs & Praise to God Our Father!!!!

Deanna

BoufMom9 said...

Oh my. I feel like as a reader that only is here sporatically that I have stumbled in at a very personal moment.
I am sorry you never had the child you dreamed of. It's amazing sometimes the plans God has in store for us and how different they are from what we want.
I have been in the same posistion many times, where I question what God's plan is.
It seems to me, just from what I have seen of you, that your faith is astounding and your love and trust in God is unfailing.
Just remember that He is with you always.
Many blessings.
Debi

luvmy4sons said...

Oh...I am glad that God has helped you through this disappointing life event. Hugs and prayers for you sister.

A Stone Gatherer said...

I don't even know what to post Denise, but I know that you know that God knows your pain and he comforts and keeps!

Denise said...

I think that God has given you such a spirit of praise and others are touched by that........Look for places in your home town that you can reach and touch other children.. The Area Shelter For Battered Women here in my town always has women with their children there....... They just need someone to show love.... Maybe just go and read them a book... They are usually without anything from their homes......... Look around your world girl friend, there are many that need a "mother" or "grandmother" He has provided you with the gift and the way to pour out!

April said...

I didn't realize all you've been through, Denise. It's made you into the strong woman you are today and you're so very special...always remember that! God Bless!♥

Amydeanne said...

oh Denise... i read this and i'm so sad.. thanks for sharing these with us.. being down the road of fertitlity pills and issues.. almost killing my marriage.. i understand this more than I care to admit.
hugs my sweet friend.

Heather said...

i agree with the others, you definitely are a mother to so many. i can feel it when you write to me or write about Ella, and definitely in your own writings. you have so much to be thankful for and so many of us that know you, have so many thanks in return towards you.

Peggy said...

Blessings Denise...Now this was a hard post not only to write but for me to read...not having children of my own...I know the aching & the letting go! I do believe that though we can't understand, God has a reason and you have such a motherly heart & wisdom to others as you care, encourage, and love faithfully right here and from what I see in your very giving life! You have a beautiful spirit & your words to Denise at 36 were filled with the compassion & passions you share here. Plus you need all the strength you can get to "mother" yourself and also the beautiful opportunity you had to be with your own mother...which may not have occurred if you had the extra responsibility of children. Though they are considered a blessing, they can also be alot of work, expense, and even heartache! The responsibility can be overwhelming!
There are plenty of ways to love the children around you, though the
words you spoke of "dream baby" show a tender spot, I'm sure that Denise at 45 understands a little better. May Our Lord hold your heart & tears as you recall the emptiness but He is the One to fill you completely in acceptance.

Laurie Ann said...

Denise, Denise. My heart felt your pain in that letter. I wish I could have written myself at 29 when I had my hysterectomy. Blessings & Hugs, dear sister.

MyJourneyBack said...

My prayers are with you. I am sorry for your pain. I am thanking God that he is there for you. I am praying for the wonderful day that you have planned for tomorrow.

CHOCOLATE AND COFFEE said...

You are such a blessing to so many of us in blog world. I am thankful for you and your encouraging words. You ae precious to me and your Heavenly Father.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Blessings and many hugs!

Marsha said...

Dear Denise at 36,
I cannot even begin to embrace your pain. Barrenness has not been my cross to bear. But I can tell you this, you at 45 is an amazing encourager and nurturer! Over the next 9 years you will find yourself sometimes being carried by your heavenly Father, and other times walking by His side. During that time, you will learn that what He desires for you is desire Him above all others, to be totally reliant on Him. Your 45 year old self is totally in love with Him today.
I love you!

Wife of Rob said...

Please keep me in your prayers Denise...I'm 36 and we don't have a baby yet. i was diagnosed with PCOS when PCOS didn't exits in most of the modern world (1999). No PCOS is on every corner and in every magazine and every web page. I am carrying a torch not only for my husband an I....but for you too. I take my plight very seriously...if God bleses us with a child, regardless if it's through birth or adoption, I will be thankful for the blessing. But in that blessing, I will never, dear sister, forget that my struggle was also the struggle of others--I know that pain that you know and will always pray for God's healing touch to your heart.

Love you much sister,
Jen