Saturday, January 5, 2008

Delighting In The Details


PHI 4:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.:As my husband and I were watching television the other night, he suddenly turned to me and said:There is no doubt in my mind that you would have been a wonderful mom, because you are such a great wife, and I love you with all of my heart. Of course, I then put my head upon his chest, and cried like a baby, but then I smiled very much like a happy child. When we started our journey together in April of 1985, we had dreams of being parents to at least two beautiful children. I was always imagining what our children would look like, picking out names for them, ect. Hoping and praying each month that I would get pregnant, but after two years of trying, it still had not happened. So, the journey got a little bit complicated, constant doctor appointments, surgical procedures, fertility drugs, ect. I lived on an emotional roller coaster, wondering each month, would this be the month? But, then came April 2000, after trying to conceive for 15 years, I was told that my chances of ever getting pregnant were less than 10 percent, but my chances of getting ovarian cancer were very high. So, they scheduled me for a complete hysterectomy. The day of the surgery, my heart totally broke. For years after my surgery, I often wondered what it would have felt like to be able to hold my precious dream baby in my arms, would I have had a boy, or girl? What would they have been like? I did not feel like a woman, I felt like I had totally failed my husband. So, after years of wondering what it was going to be like when I got pregnant, then wondering for years what it would have been like to be a mom, to hear those words flow forth from my husbands mouth, made me realize that I have come full circle. God may not have allowed me to be a mom, but I have been so many things. Wife, daughter, sister, caregiver, friend. I now truly delight in the details of blessed contentment. Praise to You my dear Father.

14 comments:

eph2810 said...

Wow, Denise what a powerful post. You are right, that is true contentment.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Blessings to you and yours.

Gretchen said...

I was looking for that verse the other day and knew it was in Philippians, but didn't catch where it was. Such a powerful verse. Denise, I don't want this to sound trite, or minimize your pain whatsoever; rather, I want to encourage you. You may not be a "mom", per se, but you mother all of us through your blog. This blog is an incredible ministry, whether you meant for it to be so or not. God had His plans. :) You provide what the child in all of us needs every day--love and encourage. Many of us didn't get our daily dose of this as children. You may not have 2+ biological children to show for it, but you mother each day of your life, and we're all the better for it.

xxxooogretchen

Melanie said...

What a great post this is. I went through several years of infertility treatments, so I understand on one level what you went through. Althought, we were finally successful so I don't totally understand what you went through. What a beautiful heart you have and I am so glad you have been able to have true contentment.

Livin' With Me

Connie@Little Red Hearts From God said...

I just cried reading this.. my heart for you..and now your place of peace...

I too struggled with infertility... but eventually we conceived...i know that road.. and pain, and tears. .. each month...

I ask myself, would I have come to the place of peace like you have....

I remember bargaining with Papa, please if you just....

Thank you for sharing this...

I love you so much
Connie

Denise said...

I so cried reading your post.. I am a mother of two sons.. 38 and 42 now and I just cannot imagine life without them... I have learned in my 60 years that God is so in control and even when we just do not understand, all things seem to work together toward His calling....... I have know many women that had children that were not mothers......... You have such a beautiful spirit and there has got to a field of harvest for you to walk through and share about the perfect peace that God has given you............

blessings to you this day............................you have blessed my heart.......

The Trier and Jen said...

I am often encouraged by you my dear friend
what a powerful testimony
thank you for sharing with us
Bless Eddie hes lovely
Love you dear sister in Christ
HUGS
Jen

Flip Flop Floozie said...

I had read this before on one of your other posts about your wanting children so desperately!! i cannot imagine the pain this has caused you but your attitude in accepting it blows me away!! It makes me wonder what i would have done. Would i have been able to be in the place you are now? I don't know!! I appreciate your posts as you know. i also appreciate hearing your heart and it always comes through so clearly in your posts.
Blessings to you..
Sandy

Bernadine said...

Denise, thank you for sharing your testimony with us. You continue to inspire and encourageme.
God bless you my friend.

Heather@Mommymonk said...

Your contentment is so beautiful dear and your husband's too.

lori said...

Denise,
I have cried those tears of infertility too...your peace and acceptance of God's will and not your wants INSPIRES me. You are living out the life that HE has planned for you and your detail of ACCEPTANCE and CONTENTMENT in your circumstance overwhelms me.
I pray for your kind of strength and faith each and every day!
thank you for sharing this...
you have touched many with these words.
hugs,
lori

According to HIS Power said...

I agree with Gretchen, you mother me every day! :o) And, I am so blessed! You know I traveled the road of infertility for 7 years before my girls. It is the hardest road I believe I have traveled so far. I still have the scars. It's the death of a dream and those children are real in your heart. Mourning them is perfectly fine and natural. Even though I have my girls, I still use your encouraging example in other areas in my life. Being content in whatever circumstance is one of the hardest things we will ever try to achieve. You are a wonderful uplifting and encouraging example to me. I love you and you and Eddie are SO blessed to have each other. I remember my Charlie saying those exact words to me every month when I wasn't pregnant again. God has blessed you both immeasurably. Love you my friend, Julie

Angela said...

Denise, what an outstanding post today. You are a true reflection of God and his Love. You are a nurturing friend like our father is to all of his children. Your faith and testimony inspires us all. You my friend are like a mother,sister and precious friend. So you see, you do have a blogsphere of your children looking up to you and treasuring every moment that we spend here with you!

I love you my dear precious friend,
Angela

Lynn said...

Oh Denise,

I am heart broken here. Gretchen is such a wonderful woman and friend and I agree with her.

As I read more and more about your life, I feel so overwhelmed by all that you have endured. So much my friend. Too much.... yet you rise each day and give all of it to Jesus.

Your husband is a wonderful man. Please tell him I said so.

I love you my sister. Lynn

Sharon said...

Bless your heart Denise! Sometimes we just don't understand why things happen the way they do, but God always knows best and I'm so glad you are able to look back and now be content.