Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Woman To Woman:Infertility


Infertility, a word that conveys so much to me. Sadness, heartache, confusion, pain. In April of 2008, I will have been married for 23 years. I spent the first 16 years of my marriage trying to become pregnant. Each month, I would pray that I would have no period, that this would be the month that I would have conceived a precious baby. Well, after trying for a year, with no success, I went to see a specialist. I was told that I had a condition called polycystic ovarian disease, also known as pcos. I was put on fertility pills, and began my long journey again. I would bleed for months at a time, heavily, actually became anemic. Then, I would not bleed at all for several months, it was an endless cycle. I had so many exploratory surgeries, that I lost count. I felt like a yo-yo, my emotions were so up and down. Finally, in the spring of 2000, I went to another specialist. I told him I wanted the truth, I had been to so many doctors, and I felt like they were not being honest with me. He did several tests on me, and when I went back for the results, he told me that I had several clusters of fibroids on my uterus, and that my chances of getting cancer were high. I said, what are my chances of ever being able to get pregnant? He said, honestly, less than a five percent chance. My heart broke in a million pieces. He scheduled a total hysterectomy to be done in April. On the day of my surgery, they really did not even have to give me anesthesia, I was already totally numb. When, they sent me home afterwards, they gave me a prescription for pain pills, but there was no medication that could heal the pain I was feeling. I will forever miss my dream babies, I would have named a little girl Christina Leanna, and a little boy Christopher Lee. I softly sing them lullabies in my heart sometimes. Hush little baby, don't you cry, momma would have given you the world. I love you my sweet dream babies. I praise God for helping me to deal with this heartache. I realize now, that He had a reason for everything. In 2003, I become the only caregiver to my momma. God knew I would need to focus all my time and attention on my momma, until He took her home to be with Him on April 21, 2006. I love You Lord.

26 comments:

IRENE said...

Oh my dear sweet Denise. I am lost for words and tears are filling up my eyes.
I was diognosed with fibroids but thankfully after I had my babies. I want you to know that you are "mothering" my heart all these days in a superb way. And I am certain many people are being blessed by your loving and caring heart and mind.
I thank God for you with all my heart. I.L.Y.

Angela said...

Thank you, Denise for sharing from your heart on this difficult topic today. I am so glad that God has given you comfort,peace in dealing with this empty feeling that a woman feels. I lost a set of twin boys and almost didn't get to have my second daughter due to cervical cancer. We wanted more children however, God knew best. Our last daughter was born with a seizure disorder and ADD. Her medical expences were excessive. I had to go to work just to help with the medical. Shortly after beginning work my health started to slowly decline. I had to deal with being a caregiver to my mother, MIL and a set of my grandparents.
As I reflect back I too can see where God had it all in his plan.

Now, by being disabled I have the opportunity to be the main caregiver to my granddaughter who too has a seizure disorder and a stroke at birth. (more about this on my blog).

It is hard sometimes to try and see the positive in things that we see heartbreaking. I have to honestly say that GOD has richly blessed me with a positive outlook on life....and I hope that I can pass it on to others through my writing on my blog.

Have a Beautiful day, my friend filled with lots of love and laughter!
Angela

Sharon said...

(((hug)))
I love you girl.
Nothing I would say would help fill the empty space. But He understands.
And.....I'm sorry.
What about adoption?
Girl I wish you could feel my heart. So many things I could say.
But you just know--I send my love.
Thank you for letting us see your heart.So many things--and yet we know with our heads and hopefully our hearts--HE LOVES YOU!

Lei said...

I'm literally in tears as I read this. My heart aches for you. Thank you for being brave with your feelings.

Rosemarie said...

For a young woman you have lived a lifetime of lessons. Thank you for sharing the painful seasons.

Continue to trust God and thank Him for another day to praise His mighty works!

Praying that many children will be born of your spiritual womb. For blessed is your fruit!

Blessings...

Morning Glory said...

Oh Denise, this is so heartbreaking and so beautiful at the same time. How absolutely wonderful that you are able to see the faithfulness of God through it. Thank you for sharing this.

Jen said...

I am so very sorry for your very real losses. PCOS is something several of my friends have struggled with. Thanks for sharing your story today.

Sharon said...

Hey---only the candles are showing up on your cake. What's up with that? :)
Is it a diabetic thing?
You know-no sweets. Ha Ha!

Tigersue said...

The truth, it can be such a hard thing. Yet if more women were told the truth, perhaps there would be more healing, more understanding, and an ability to go with life, when years a spent grieving over, and over again.
I will never know why some women get children and others don't. As you said God must know.

Talk..to..Grams said...

I have tears in my eyes, I am sorry about your loss. A lot of things in life get so hard!

When Kelly was born I wanted another boy so bad and I had not even picked out a girls name......

When whe was born and it was a 4th girl I was blue! AND all the time God new what was best!

Because when Kelly was 4 months old, Gramps left me to marry another women..... I was just shattered.... Now all these years later when I am so cripled up, what would I do with out Kelly to take care of me daily!!!


This story about me doesn't make it any better for you, I know. It was God knew what I needed at the time more then I did.....

God knew best that you were such a comfort for your Mama!!

You go out to all the blogs and you are able to minister and Mother a lot of younger ladies who need you to give them a word to help them through the day!!

I read from time to time what you say and I know this has to be a blessing to them!! You sure are a blessing to me, too! Your words of encougment help me so much! Love and Blessings, Carolyn

Rebecca said...

You are one strong woamn and very loved by many.

Loni said...

I am so sorry - my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing so openly. I can't say I understand, yet I know we have a God who can fill the voids of a broken and sometimes empty heart. I pray that for you.

Bernadine said...

Thank you for sharing your story. It's such an inspiration that you are able to see God in the situation although you don't understand the reasons why.

Mary said...

Denise,

My heart goes out to you. You have climbed mountains and traveled through dark valleys and still your eyes are on the Lord. Look toward the heavens, sweet friend and know that I keep you in my prayers.

Thanks for being such a dear Sister in Christ.

Blessings,
Mary

GiBee said...

Denise, this is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart with everyone! It's such a tough thing to do.

Also, could you please email me your address? You won one of my giveaways, and I emailed you asking for your address and haven't heard from you... Thanks!
http://www.kissesofsunshine.com/2007/11/fall-yall-giveaway-results.html

It's a FLIP-FLOP World said...

i am so sorry to hear this!! i guess that only God knows for sure about this!! I cannot understand how you feel because only you can!! I know that i am so sorry. i wish that there were right words to tell you but none come to me. Sandy

According to HIS Power said...

Oh my sweet friend, I know your pain even though I had my two babies, I also lost every baby I conceived for seven years. I also know the pain of not getting pregnant month after month and being told you may never have children. I honestly believed that I would not. We are SO incredibly blessed to have our girls after all the struggles and SO many are blessed to have you in their lives to be a "mother" to them. God has plans and they are not our own. Harder & truer words were never spoken.I thank God for you and Love you my friend, Julie

An Ordinary Mom said...

I am so sorry for all your heartache, but your strength gives me hope.

Daughter of the King said...

I don't understand why the Lord allows this...but I have to know in my heart ...that HIS ways are best...and sometimes I believe we WILL NEVER know until we get to heaven.....I loved your post and hurt for you as well......
thanks for your tenderness and honesty...
Deby

jen said...

awwwww my sweet sweet friend
Im so sori
I have tears in my eyes for you

Darling I have something for you on my blog just a little thank you

lots of love hugs and special thoughts go out from me to you today

Elisa @ Extravagant Grace said...

Denise, God's work in you is remarkable. I never, ever have seen any bitterness in you in any of your posts. You are always full of encouragement, even as you humbly and honestly admit your woundedness. I admire you greatly.

I have never experienced your heartache, but my heart aches for the pain you've experienced. I pray that the Lord would continue to be the source of your comfort and purpose.

Love, in Christ,
Elisa

Cynthia said...

I cry with this post. Sharing your loss are tears of sadness. Tears of happiness for your strength.

God Bless You dear friend,

AJ said...

My own Woman to Woman story seems so silly after reading yours. My heart goes out to you.

Crystal said...

I can relate to much of your post. I'm working on writing mine too, but because of the pain, it's taking me some time to write it.
I too have PCOS, it's been a cruel thing to me. It's broken my heart many times over.
Feel free to e-mail me if you ever want to commiserate together. Also, later today I will try to post my post as well.
Cysterly love,
Crystal

Crystal said...

I also want to say it's a glorious blessing that you can still thank God through it all in the end. It's so hard when you have a dream and we can't see the bigger picture that God can until later in life.

BP said...

I enjoyed reading this post. I also have PCOS. It is a blessing to read you can thank God through everything you've been through.