Infertility, a word that conveys so much to me. Sadness, heartache, confusion, pain. In April of 2008, I will have been married for 23 years. I spent the first 16 years of my marriage trying to become pregnant. Each month, I would pray that I would have no period, that this would be the month that I would have conceived a precious baby. Well, after trying for a year, with no success, I went to see a specialist. I was told that I had a condition called polycystic ovarian disease, also known as pcos. I was put on fertility pills, and began my long journey again. I would bleed for months at a time, heavily, actually became anemic. Then, I would not bleed at all for several months, it was an endless cycle. I had so many exploratory surgeries, that I lost count. I felt like a yo-yo, my emotions were so up and down. Finally, in the spring of 2000, I went to another specialist. I told him I wanted the truth, I had been to so many doctors, and I felt like they were not being honest with me. He did several tests on me, and when I went back for the results, he told me that I had several clusters of fibroids on my uterus, and that my chances of getting cancer were high. I said, what are my chances of ever being able to get pregnant? He said, honestly, less than a five percent chance. My heart broke in a million pieces. He scheduled a total hysterectomy to be done in April. On the day of my surgery, they really did not even have to give me anesthesia, I was already totally numb. When, they sent me home afterwards, they gave me a prescription for pain pills, but there was no medication that could heal the pain I was feeling. I will forever miss my dream babies, I would have named a little girl Christina Leanna, and a little boy Christopher Lee. I softly sing them lullabies in my heart sometimes. Hush little baby, don't you cry, momma would have given you the world. I love you my sweet dream babies. I praise God for helping me to deal with this heartache. I realize now, that He had a reason for everything. In 2003, I become the only caregiver to my momma. God knew I would need to focus all my time and attention on my momma, until He took her home to be with Him on April 21, 2006. I love You Lord.